I begin the year 2022 at home, on day 7 of subfreezing weather, and with a sense of both hope and sorrow. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything to my blog. Halfway through 2018 I tore a cartilage in my wrist which made it extremely painful to do even the most basic of things like typing on a keyboard, or putting on my clothes. I had to withdraw from a jazz camp which I had been accepted to becauses my piano teacher said that I would be putting myself into jeopardy of making the injury significantly worse. I attended camp anyway as an audit student, and attended a lot of classes which was fun, but I still so missed playing with others. One night at camp, I sat on a bench overlooking Puget Sound. The moon was up and the moonlight shimmered on the water. I prayed that night and wept and asked God to heal my hand so that I could play piano at church again for Him.

After numerous acupuncture treatments and tubes of various painkilling remedies, I was able to begin to play piano again, very gently and carefully at first, but gradually I could play more and more with coaching from my teacher. My hand healed enough so that I could audition for and play at jazz camp in the summer of 2019. My wrist was still painful and weak, and I had lost a lot of capability, but I could play piano again. That simple fact gave me great hope and joy every day. I purchased a software called Dragon which allowed me to type on my computer using my voice instead of my fingers. Today, I can largely spend a goodly chunk of time using the keyboard like I used to. But I still use Dragon because it’s pretty convenient and I’m still, even now, regaining strength in my hand.

In March 2020, after completing my audition files for another chance at jazz camp, COVID swept our country and the world and we were locked down. We could leave the house to go food shopping but so many other things were closed. I started taking long walks around the neighborhood because parks and trails were closed, along with gyms and swimming pools. 2021 brought new hope in the form of vaccines to provide protection against the virus. Cautiously, I began to resume some activities in person. This year, after being vaccinated, I finally was able to play piano at both indoor and outdoor church services. To be able to make music with others has given me so much joy and hope.

So here I am at the beginning of a new year. I am filled with hope and joy and sorrow and lament. Lament and sorrow over all the people who have been lost to COVID, or who are still suffering from long-term effects of this virus. I am filled with sorrow over the omicron COVID variant which has caused so much suffering this year. And yet, even in the dark times of the pandemic, I have always had hope – hope that things would get better. Very slowly, things have gotten better. It has not been a linear, predictable path however. In the late summer, I took a very brave step and I went to a restaurant for the first time in 2 years to have a meal in person so that I could listen to live music again. I wept. I wept because I was scared about getting sick, and I wept with joy simply because I was having a meal in a restaurant and listening to some beautiful music, just like I did before we were locked down. I was such a bundle of emotions- sometimes there are just no good words to describe what’s going on.

A few weeks ago, I attended an online worship service with Pastor Kathy Escobar, author of “A Weary World – Reflections for a Blue Christmas.” Pastor Kathy spoke that day about paradox, how life is complicated – sometimes there are no simple answers, and sometimes you have to be able to carry opposites at the same time – good and bad; sad and happy; energetic and depleted. As I began to accept the concept of “paradoxing,” I began to understand that it’s okay to hold space for the things in life that are complicated and difficult. I can’t tie everything in my life up with a pretty bow at the end of a one hour reflection and wait for the “happily-ever-after” ending. But I can accept this unshakable truth – that God is always with me. God is always with me in my sorrows and joys, in sickness and in health.  God is with me no matter what my financial situation is. No matter if I am a totally screwed up imperfect human, God will still be with me – sharing my joys; comforting me in my times of sorrow because of life events or my imperfection; God will always be encouraging me to see that I am strong enough and wise enough to be able to paradox when I need to. There will always be struggle, and God will always be with me in my struggles. That assurance is what gives me strength and hope to carry on every day as best as I can.

May we find the year 2022 to be full of infinite possibilities, peace, joy and love. May we find God speaking to us in every thing we do, in every encounter, and in every moment.